I wanna be a Mary Sue
by Lemonly Yakawashi
Summary: A girl drops into Middle-Earth (literally), and assumes that Legolas will fall instantly in love with her, she will know Elvish, etc. However, things don't go as smoothly as a Legomance fic... PARODY. Chapter three finally up!
1. Getting there

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns Middle-Earth and all its characters. I live in awe of his great writings, and I'm simply borrowing his characters for a story. The only character I own is the wannabe Mary-Sue, Laura.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Laura sat at her computer, typing feverishly. One of her *favorite* stories on FF.net, "Legolas meets the Lost Princess of Silvermoon", had been flamed by some idiot who called themselves tolkienpurist. They claimed that this wonderful Legolas-filled fic was a "Mary-Sue", or whatever. They said that it was one of the crappiest stories they'd ever read in their life, comparing the grammar to a three-year-old's. Well, thought Laura, it's not like spelling and stuff was *that* important. This wasn't school, after all! And whoever had the idea that fanfiction was supposed to be like the stuff it was based off of? That was just stupid.  
  
They even had the nerve to tell her to read the books! Ugh, thought Laura. The books were probably long and boring, with not enough Legolas. How smart could this Tolkien dude be, if he hadn't made LOTR into a movie with Orlando Bloom?  
  
After adding a retort to that review, she cheerfully set about flaming tolkienpurist's fics. Laura didn't even bother reading them. If this author hated "Legolas meets the Lost Princess of Silvermoon", Laura figured, then *their* writing must be pretty much shit.  
  
After clicking a few links, she got to the last story. Laura began to write her (as she thought it) scathing flame. "ths sotry iz pur crap!!!!1111 u shud nevr writ again, u bitch u!!1!" she typed. Feeling her work was done for the day, she noticed a flashing ad bar on the screen. "Click here for a surprise!" it said. What the heck, she thought, and clicked.  
  
Suddenly everything went...a strange colour. It was some - some strange mix of pink and purple. And it was horrendously ugly, Laura thought. With what felt unpleasantly like a shove, she fell over the edge of reality.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Laura opened her eyes just in time to see the ground rushing at her. It didn't bother to dodge.  
  
"Ow."  
  
She picked herself up, and then looked at her surroundings. She gasped. She was in an intricately decorated room, and the windows had no glass. It had a very airy feel to it. Laura rushed to a window, and saw a lush green forest of ancient trees. Ancient, yet graceful.  
  
She was elated. She must be in Rivendell! This was just how all those awesome Legolas fanfics started. Perhaps she was wearing a beautiful dress. Laura looked down. No, just her normal jeans and t-shirt.  
  
Or maybe...maybe she had become an elf! She could even be the daughter of Elrond! Laura felt her ears excitedly. Nope. Oh, well.  
  
In fact, nothing about her seemed different, excluding the large bruise on her left knee that she had gotten when she fell - quite literally - into Middle-Earth. "I always thought that phrase was supposed to be *metaphorical*," Laura grumbled to herself.  
  
Well then, she was obviously destined to join the Fellowship and help Frodo on his quest. She smiled. Something exciting would finally happen to her! She'd watched the movies enough times to remember the plot *and* all of Leggy's lines. She could keep Gandalf from dying, tell them to avoid that mountain Cararawhatever...the possibilities were endless!  
  
And, Laura reminded herself, she would get to meet Legolas. Sigh, what a hottie. Obviously her beauty, fighting skills, and charming personality would attract the elf to her, if the Legomance stories were any meter. She didn't have any fighting skills at the moment, of course, but she supposed that Leggy would give her a lesson and she'd pick it up right away. And learning to sword-fight was *easy*, right?  
  
Footsteps interrupted her thoughts. Laura jumped in surprise, and landed quite ungracefully. She got back up quickly. Her darling Leggy-poo could be coming right now!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Author's note: Let me stress, this a *parody* of a Mary-Sue. P-A-R-O-D-Y. So don't go complaining to the PPC that there's another 'Sue being written. And if you were wondering, the "strange colour" is urple, a word invented by Camilla Sandman. She described it as "a mix of pink and purple in the worst possible way".  
  
This was originally intended to be an extended, more detailed version of my other fic, "The Unexpected Happens", but I changed around parts I wasn't satisfied with, added in some more, and got a different thing. *shrugs* Meh.  
  
Please review, it lets me know people have been reading. Flames will be laughed insanely at. The next chapter should be finished and up in a couple days.  
  
--Lemonly, resident pyromaniac-- --Self-described as "differently sane"-- 


	2. Wait a minute

No more disclaimers, one is sufficient. Besides, if I were Tolkien, I'd be dead. And not posting fanfics.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Elrond and Glorfindel strolled through the halls of Imladris, discussing the Ringbearer. It had been only three days since Frodo's narrow shave with the Nazgul.  
  
"Really, Glorfindel, if you hadn't come upon Aragorn and the hobbits, the One Ring would surely be in the hands of Sauron by now," Elrond was saying.  
  
"Thank you, Lord Elrond," Glorfindel replied. "But -" He frowned and hesitated.  
  
"What, Glorfindel?"  
  
The golden-haired elf coughed and continued, "Well, my lord, your daughter...recently I have caught her trying to steal Asfaloth."  
  
Elrond looked slightly amused. "Surely she desires only to take a leisurely ride on your beautiful horse."  
  
"Not quite like that, sir." Glorfindel hesitated again. "Last time I rode out, the lady Arwen attempted to physically prevent me from taking my horse. She was very...insistent." He rolled up his sleeve and exposed a large, nasty-looking bruise near his elbow.  
  
"Well -" replied Elrond, but was cut off by the sounds of someone moving about in the next room. Glorfindel silently drew his bow.  
  
"Lady above," breathed Elrond.  
  
"Did you not tell me that your house no longer uses these halls?" Glorfindel whispered.  
  
"I did. And they do not."  
  
There was a pause. The two elves did not dare even draw breath.  
  
"Best to use caution, Lord Elrond?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
They ran into the room.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Laura got up from her position sitting against the wall. The footsteps had suddenly ceased, and she strained her ears. Were those whispering voices?  
  
Well, best to investigate. She walked cautiously across the room -  
  
- and saw a tall, blond elf run into the room with a bow held out, while an older, dark-haired elf followed behind him.  
  
Laura squealed. The tall, absolutely *yummy* blond elf with the bow just *had* to be...  
  
"LEGGY-POO!" she shrieked, jumping across the room. She was about to fling herself at the first elf...when she realized that he was aiming an arrow straight at her throat. And neither elf looked happy to see her.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Glorfindel nearly dropped his bow when he saw it was a young maiden in the room. He quickly recovered, aiming at her jugular. The girl shrieked something unintelligible and ran up to them.  
  
There was a deadly silence.  
  
"Lord Elrond?" said Glorfindel carefully.  
  
"Yes, Glorfindel?"  
  
"Why is there a human maiden here in Imladris?"  
  
Elrond Half-Elven sent a vicious glare at the girl, who quailed visibly. "I do not know. I have *certainly* never given her leave to enter Rivendell, much less wander these halls."  
  
The girl, who had retreated to the opposite wall, whimpered something softly.  
  
"*What* was that?" asked Elrond.  
  
Glorfindel turned to his lord, confused. "It sounded like 'Legolas' - like the son of King Thranduil."  
  
Elrond stared first at the girl, then back at Glorfindel. "But she is certainly not an elf...and neither of us resemble the Prince."  
  
Suddenly, a light came into Glorfindel's eyes. He lowered the bow and relaxed his grip. "My lord, I think I understand." He paused. "This maiden has lost her mind, I believe. She must have wandered here somehow, and now she is simply confused and lost."  
  
Elrond looked back at the girl. "Of course! She must be absolutely terrified of us." He laughed and came closer to her. "Child, don't worry, we won't hurt you. What is your name?"  
  
The girl looked back in wide-eyed terror. Obviously she did not understand a word he said.  
  
"Maybe if you switched to Westron," supplied Glorfindel helpfully. "She might not understand our tongue."  
  
"Oh. Yes." Elrond slowly repeated his question, still smiling gently at the girl.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Laura backed still closer to the wall. After a few terrified seconds, it became apparent that she would not die right away. The elf who she had thought was Legolas was no longer aiming an arrow to her throat, just looking confusedly at her. In fact, seeing as *he* had been the only one to say the name "Legolas", he must be a different elf.  
  
The dark-haired one, whom she assumed to be Elrond, suddenly laughed. He smiled and bent down towards her, speaking in a soothing tone...and in the other language which they had been speaking all along. She realized that she did not know a word of Elvish, actually.  
  
Except...wait.  
  
Elrond spoke something else after a pause, and then tried a third phrase. He frowned, saying still another thing. The blond elf was gripping his bow a bit tighter, and was no longer relaxed.  
  
Laura realized that if she didn't do something quick, she would probably killed quite soon. Although she couldn't quite remember the translation, she remembered an Elvish phrase someone had mentioned a while ago. It was a stretch to remember it all, but she might as well try it.  
  
Laura cleared her throat and stuttered nervously, "Nan i ang-orncrist tithen caran hu."[1]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Glorfindel looked at Elrond, bewildered. "What?"  
  
Elrond sighed and got back up. "You were right...she obviously has lost her mind."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
[1]: "I am a small red dog with an axe" in Sindarin. The 'u' should have an accent on it, but I'm not sure how to make that work.  
  
Author's note: XD Eru, that was fun to write. I have a pretty good idea of what'll happpen next, but I'm having a hard time writing this on my iMac and transferring it to my PC to upload. Thus the length between posts. To anyone else who does this: do *not* save it as .txt. I had to fix all the apostrophes and quotes. -_-;  
  
Special thanks to Lia (her site is at embark.to/yodelduck) for the Sindarin translation.  
  
Please read and review!  
  
--Lemonly, resident pyromaniac-- --Self-described as "differently sane"-- 


	3. Insert clever chapter title here

"I wanna be a Kennedy I wanna be tall and handsome I'd conquer the world And you'd see me on television...  
  
If I could be a Kennedy If I could be a big heartbreaker I'd watch you crash into my arms With the stars under the barrel of a gun We die young..."  
  
--"I Wanna Be A Kennedy" by Kill Hannah (www.killhannah.com)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
After the girl found wandering Rivendell had been put safely into a chamber (to keep her out of the way until Elrond decided what to do), Frodo awoke. A feast was arranged in his honor for that night.  
  
"Sir," said Glorfindel to Elrond that afternoon, "what have you decided about the human maiden?"  
  
Elrond thought for a minute, and replied thoughtfully, "It *would* be kind to let her partake in the feast and listen to the music in the Hall of Fire...but then, as we know not her meaning for coming here, and she appears to understand little, she might cause trouble."  
  
"Perhaps it would be prudent tell the others to be kind to the girl, and explain things briefly," suggested Glorfindel.  
  
"Yes, otherwise my children will be asking me why there is a madwoman in Imladris. A very good idea, Glorfindel. Do that, and meanwhile, I shall try to speak with her again." Elrond departed, leaving Glorfindel to spread the word.  
  
"Elladan!" He seized his chance. "Do you think you can help me for a while..."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Laura lay on the bed in her new room, humming tunelessly. Nothing to do now but wait for Legolas to wander by. Man, she was hungry. Too bad there didn't seem to be a McDonald's nearby.  
  
The dark-haired elf she had seen earlier knocked gently on the open door and walked in. He smiled and began to speak to her in Elvish.  
  
Laura blinked, and decided it was time to confirm her suspicions about his identity. She pointed at him and inquired, "Elrond?"  
  
He stared at her for a moment, and then a real smile replaced his comforting-an-ignorant-toddler look. He pointed at himself and declared, "Elrond Peredhil."[1]  
  
Well, at least Laura now knew one elf around here. She indicated herself and informed him, "Laura." 'Oh, damn,' she thought after a moment. 'I should've used some Elvish-sounding name...like Mifferlifferthianelle or something.'  
  
Elrond gave her a strange look. Her name seemed totally new to him. However, he shrugged off his surprise and spoke again, intent on seeing how much she knew. He motioned around at the landscape outside.  
  
"Rivendell?"  
  
He nodded, obviously pleased.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Ten minutes later, Elrond's happiness had worn away. This girl - "Laurah" - seemed to have no further understanding of anything in Arda, although occasionally she would begin to babble in her own alien tongue.  
  
His attention snapped back to Laura as she motioned with her hands. She motioned again, bringing her hands to her mouth. Ah, she must be hungry.  
  
Lord Elrond Halfelven, founder of Imladris, son of Earendil, descendant of Beren and Luthien, bearer of Vilya, the Elven-Ring of Air, was then reduced to working out a crude sign language with a complete stranger. Finally he managed to get across the idea that there would be a feast that night, quite soon. Laura did not seem quite satisfied with this explanation, but he quickly excused himself from her quarters.  
  
Exhausted, he dragged himself over to his own rooms, and rummaged about in a cupboard until he found a glass bottle of miruvor. He took a generous swig and sighed heavily. This was going to be a long, long night...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
"Father?" Elrohir knocked on the door. Without waiting for a response, he opened the door, continuing, "Elladan, Glorfindel and I just finished informing the household of the girl's presence, but Arwen won't believe us, she says we're just joking, would you come and talk to -" Elrohir stopped short of completing his sentence as he saw his father sleeping peacefully in a chair, an empty bottle on the floor.  
  
"Dear Elbereth," muttered the elf.  
  
"Oh, has Father been drinking again?" asked Elladan, entering the room closely followed by Glorfindel. All three looked harassed and tired. Elrohir nodded.  
  
"Ever since your mother left for Valinor," sighed Glorfindel. "It's always the same: he gets overworked and overtired, and becomes lonely without Lady Celebrian around. I wonder how she's doing now," he mused.  
  
Elrohir picked up the bottle from the floor. "I did think we'd found all Father's hiding places," he remarked regretfully. "Elladan, you'd best wake him up. Glorfindel, see if you can't convince Arwen we're serious."  
  
Glorfindel winced. "Must I? Meaning no offense to your sister, but she kicked me in the leg last time."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Much, much later, an elf was sent to give Laura a dress to wear for the feast in Frodo's honor that night. She examined it. Oddly, it didn't have any flowing trains or anything that made it look particularly "in". The design was simple enough, but the fabric was decorated intricately in the most beautiful patterns. Then again, she mused, elves did have all eternity to make it.  
  
Laura put it on and spent a few minutes modeling in front of the mirror. She backed up and twisted around to see the back better, but only succeeded in tripping over the hem and landing on the floor.  
  
There was a soft knock on the door. Twin dark-haired elves walked in and cast her anxious looks. Laura completely forgot her bruises from her fall and practically melted at the sight of them. "Bishies," she mumbled blissfully, drooling. "So hot..."  
  
No, no. Must stay true to Legolas, said her brain. Must ignore hot-hot elves and wait for your true love.  
  
Her hormones disagreed. Those elves are so *cute*, they urged.  
  
*No*! I can't! Besides, blondes like Leggy are hotter, Laura told herself.  
  
That's true, her hormonal side admitted. Her overwhelming urge to glomp the two passed.  
  
The first one coughed politely. Laura scrambled up and stammered, "Erm...hello?"  
  
They smiled (and again Laura steeled herself against their looks). The second asked "La - Laura?" She nodded vigorously and began blathering on about a tragic, angst-filled past, but stopped when she realized they, too, did not understand her.  
  
One of the elves pointed to himself. "Elladan."  
  
The other did the same. "Elrohir," he added. Laura noticed he had a distinctly deeper voice than Elladan.  
  
They motioned for her to follow them, and she hurried over, bumping into the bedstead and swearing under her breath on the way.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
[1] Peredhil - it means "half-elven". Elrond's full name *is* Elrond Peredhil, as Arwen's is Arwen Undomiel ("Undomiel" meaning "evening star/evenstar").  
  
And in case you were wondering, "bishie" is short for "bishounen", Japanese for "beautiful boy".  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry for the long wait, I've been really busy lately. I just came back from a week-long Latin convention in San Antonio, Texas. @_@ It's really, really hot there. (Stercus accidit.)  
  
I was planning to include more in this chapter, but it would make for an even longer wait and is probably better left separated from this part. Sorry not too much happened in this chapter, but I'm building up towards the feast and Council.  
  
A special thanks to all of the reviewers. ^_^ You go. Have some tprte! *hands it out*  
  
--Lemonly Yakawashi-- 


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